Self-sabotage

Why do we engage in "self­ destructive behaviors"? Because they work. What do you gain? Figure out that "what" and you'll figure out the "why".

“Why do I keep self-sabotaging?” is one of the most common questions I receive. Now, if you’ve followed this page for any amount of time you know I’m not gonna give a simple answer because, well it’s complicated and contextual and I’m all likelihood I don’t know. But if I’m forced to simplify for the sake of the ‘gram, I’m going to start with asking a question “what do you gain from it?”

We engage in behaviors (they aren’t good or bad) because they provide something. They are products of our history, our biology & our environment. They’ve helped us to survive emotionally and, in some cases, physically.

We have a predisposition to look at undesired behaviors as bad. If we instead look to what we gain we can understand why we engage. And from there we can begin to take steps to change.

So instead of the constant hand-wringing & guilt & existential gymnastics of trying to figure out “why” you do something, start with “what” you gain from it. Then you can work on “how” to change.