Guilt vs shame

Guilt and shame are often used interchangeably but in reality they are very different animals. One is due to our behavior and one is about who we believe we are.

Guilt is a feeling we experience around behaviors that we know we are equipped to handle differently. We know that we can do better and we are angry with our actions. Guilt is a focus on our behaviors. It is an admission of responsibility.

Shame indicates that we behave the way we do, whether it be behaviors around food or drink or shopping, because of our innate character. If we are chronic over eaters or struggle with weight we believe it’s because we are bad people. Much of this is due to societal beliefs around weight and a structure that promotes the idea that being overweight is a moral failing. We can’t undervalue the influence of weight stigma when dealing with weight management. The two are integrated. Shame is a focus on ourselves and who we believe we are.

Put simply, guilt says “I did a bad thing” whereas shame says “I am a bad person”.

While guilt can feel like a negative emotion, it can also be a precursor to change. By taking responsibility for our actions we are acknowledging that we have the capacity to do better. The power is in our own hands and it is much easier to brush off and move on.

Shame, on the other hand, is devoid of positive outcomes. Shame is a focus inward and reinforces the feeling that we are incapable of change because we aren’t good enough or don’t deserve better. We therefore don’t take responsibility for our actions because we don’t believe we have control over our behaviors. And the negative feedback loop continues driving us deeper into our maladaptive behaviors.

So how do we move from shame? There’s no easy answers but the first step is to work on acceptance. Acceptance of who we are and acceptance of reality as a whole. We may not be responsible for what has happened to us, be that our genetics or family of origin or environment, but we are responsible for our actions. By taking that responsibility, by taking ownership of our lives, we can lift that shame away. We can slowly attribute our reality to how we contribute to it. It can be a difficult process but can relieve emotional pain long term.

We can use guilt to our advantage but shame will only bury us. Being overweight is not a moral failing. It is not due to willpower or weakness. You may have a genetic disadvantage or a damaged relationship with food due to childhood environment. Those are things you cannot change. What we can change is how we cope with those deficits. Take responsibility for the things you can change and if you mess up just know you can do better. Because you can. You are good.