Sitting still to move forward

I am constantly on the search for personal improvement. For growth. To be a little bit better than I was the day before. I am terrified of complacency. And for that I must sit. I must learn to be present. Sometimes in contemplation but more often without mind.

Self awareness is a state but also a practice. It is evaluation. It is learning to take a bird’s eye view on your own life. Seeing our biases for what they are. We can work to change them or just identify when they are influencing our thoughts.

I know that one of my greatest strengths is also one of my biggest deficits. I’m always pushing forward. It’s how I work. It’s how I play. Hell, it’s even how I fight. Getting better at BJJ has been a constant balancing act of practicing more passive styles to learn while also not forgoing the aggression that is my natural inclination.

By working to understand our nature, we can begin to moderate those pieces that cause us issue and we can amplify those pieces that benefit us. Sometimes, the same trait will be both a blessing and a curse but only through evaluation of self can we determine when and in what situations will determine which. This can take time.

For me, my frenetic natural inclination borders on neurotic. I tend towards the intense and the dramatic. I am often reactive. Therefore I must temper those behaviors. Therapy is a necessity for me. As are habits that engage my physicality like training in Jiu Jitsu and with weights. And something that had been desperately missing in recent years, sitting in meditation.

Thankfully, when researching the role of mindfulness for my nutrition practice I reintroduced the practice of meditation, however sparingly. When I presented on my findings in Costa Rica I was encouraged by Mr Kim House to give more consistent practice a try. Much like the advice I dole out to clients:)

Well, I instead returned home with a backpack full of excuses and found every reason I couldn’t meditate. I was too busy. I had to walk Bigsby in the morning so that moment was ruined. I was too tired at night so that would not work. Etc, etc. As fate would have it, I would get to see Mr Kim in December when I went to visit his son in NC. The three of us started each morning sitting zazen. And I haven’t stopped since.

Much as last year I vowed to write a blog post every morning of every weekday, I vowed to sit every day since I returned home. Some days I feel great. Some days I feel terrible. But I persist nonetheless because that’s what a practice is. Practice. And I made a promise to myself. A promise to sit.

And you know what? I still move forward. The moments of sitting zazen are not just opportunities to be truly present but also opportunities to understand my nature. Yes my mind wanders. Yes my thoughts race. Yes I want to quit. But that’s ok. No judgment. Because how can I be of help to others while judging myself?